I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?