The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
calling in to work dehydrated
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross