Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat