“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You Might Also Like
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
damn he’s good
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
White Castle for the Win
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Squirrels before girls.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)