You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
cause of death:
autopsy.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
another case of gang violins