Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
The prophecy is fulfilled
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Spring of Deception
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.