Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
iPhone X
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.