If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.