Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
In space, no one can hear…
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
work smarter, not harder
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.