My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!