I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Great Canadian literature.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.