REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Well, this certainly took a turn
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward