Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.