Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.