[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
BETRAYAL
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.