I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*