hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*