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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.