“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.