when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…