His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
mood
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
True
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.