Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*launders Kohls cash*
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.