You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
A choir of Spring onions
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.