I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Yep.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably