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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Pretty much. 🤣
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”