Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.