A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?