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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Inside you there are two wolves
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…