Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Taliband
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco