king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.