My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
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You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.