God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers