Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.