My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up