If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?