*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.