The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
The biggest mystery of our time
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide