Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
This is me 🤣🤣
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.