I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Ha.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?