Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
oh u like geography? name every lake
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.