I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
i think both sides are to blame here
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…