Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
This is a sub tweet
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.