Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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I like crazy people until they notice me
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.