When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate