[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.