Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.