Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
man: wait
time: no
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?