When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
adding to the discourse
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
This made me smile…
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.