Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.