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If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something